Marina J co-authored Healthy Wise and Amazing Women which went to number one on Amazon in just six hours. Her company specializes in women flourishing through proven programs – helping women around the world create a life that turns them on. She is currently writing her second book and is fascinated by what she calls, “women living to the design of their body.”
What do women really want from men?
What do men really want from women?
Come to learn.
Come to teach.
Featuring, William Weil, Author of New Earth Relationships: A Guide for Couples in the 21st Century and Founder of LovePong.
Just follow the hashtag #NakedCouples on Wednesday evening.
Everyone is welcome to contribute.
Please share this with anyone you’d like to have join us.
For 25 years, Kristine Catalina has empowering man/woman relationships all over the world. She assists people in exploring, understanding and accepting the differences between the sexes. Kristine was a pioneer in the Human Potential Movement and for six years she produced man/woman courses for people in the programs of the Institute of Human Effectiveness, an organization committed to the research of sensuality, man/woman interactions, communications and alternative lifestyles. Since 1991 she has been teaching relationship courses throughout the US and Canada and currently specializes working one-on-one as a coach in personal and family relationships.
The author of Man-Woman Relationships Made Easy, Kristine talks to us about what women want, what men want, what each needs to know about the other, and how to heat things up in the bedroom.
Roughly 50% of marriages in the U.S. result in divorce. For the other 50%, maybe half are satisfied in their relationships, probably a lot less. I’d like to be part of the solution, and your input will help. My thanks to everyone who’s written to me already.
There are a number of factors that lead to unhappy relationships. One less discussed reason is dissatisfaction with sex and/or intimacy.
Typically, the wife complains that there isn’t enough intimacy. The husband complains that there isn’t enough sex. Sometimes it’s reversed, but let’s use this case as our example. In either case, there is an obvious connection between sex and intimacy.
Generally, it doesn’t take much to get a man in the mood. With women, you want to be thinking three days. I am not kidding. If you yell at your partner in the morning, or simply ignore her, or don’t allow her to feel attractive, or don’t really get her when she’s communicating something that’s important to her, you probably aren’t getting any tonight.
Don’t get me wrong. On balance, women love sex as much as men. But it needs to be from a state of intimacy. Most women need this. Most men don’t. Most women need you to show and/or tell them you love them in the morning, a few times during the day, every day, and in the evening. If you want sex, the time to start is three days out. If you do this all the time, chances are you can have sex whenever you want it. Easily two-three times per week. If you don’t, you’ll be lucky to get lucky once a fortnight.
If I appear to be callous or crude, I don’t mean to be. Sex is not a sin. Even the most puritanical of us would have to agree that two key elements of a healthy union are sex and intimacy.
Here is some essential advice for men.
- Make sure your partner has an orgasm virtually every time. If your sexual energy drops dramatically after you orgasm (as it does for most of us), then you better make sure she orgasms before you do.
- If you’ve never been educated on the female anatomy, bone up. You wouldn’t try to drive a car without knowing a few things about how it works. If your woman is having mad orgasms every time you have sex, chances are she’ll be the one initiating it more often than not.
- Not all women like the same thing. If you don’t know what she likes, find a way to communicate. It could be that you ask, and she tells you. Or it could be that you set it up that you’ll explore around, and she’ll give you louder moans the more you’re turning her on.
- Most women expect you to cuddle with them after sex. Hopping out of bed sends the wrong signal.
- How often do you tell your partner you love her? Some may say, “But what if I’m not feeling it – isn’t that somewhat dishonest?” It’s not. Telling someone you love them is a declaration. It’s a creation-based statement meant to pull you into a feeling, not an assertion of fact. If you have integrity, that is, if you honor your words, then, by declaring love, feelings will come automatically. Try it. It really works.
- Don’t make crude jokes about sex, or your partner, before, during or after sex. That is, ever.
- Never make fun of your partner, or put her down, in front of other people. (Or, ideally, ever.)
- Don’t let a day go by without kissing her – and not as a prelude to sex.
- Practice gratitude – regarding your relationship, every day think of five things for which you are grateful. Ideally you would communicate these to your partner.
The fallout of adopting this behavior may astound you. Besides having a lot more sex, you may actually find yourself falling deeper and deeper in love with your partner. And this, I can tell you, is the one thing I’m aware of which is truly better than sex.
And that’s really the point of this article. Great sex is a product of having a great relationship, not the other way around. These really aren’t meant to be “tricks” to get your partner to have sex with you; they are foundational principles to having a great relationship. And great sex is simply one of the byproducts of having a great relationship.
We generally consider double standards unfair.
Simple example: JoAnn can leave a mess, but if I do, I’ll hear about it. JoAnn can yell at me, but I’m not allowed to yell at her. JoAnn can talk about old boyfriends, but will get upset if I talk about old girlfriends.
The ego screams, “It’s not fair! Why should she have different rules than I do?!”
When we are single and alone, most of us are looking for that special someone. Someone who can be a best friend. But also someone magical. We don’t want an ordinary relationship; we want something more. Something truly extraordinary.
And when we find it, what will we do with that extraordinary person? We’ll turn them into someone ordinary.
JoAnn was my dream girl. While some might prefer more of the “fairy princess” type, I go for the “bitchy, tough and cutting on the outside; sensitive, loving and intelligent on the inside” type. Let’s focus on the “bitchy and tough” part. It’s true that I love her directness, the way she doesn’t take any crap from anyone. When she told me the story of how she repulsed, on two occasions, armed robbers, I started to swoon.
Ah! But what happens when she gets bitchy and tough with… me! Hold on a minute! That’s a different story. Now all of a sudden I’m criticizing her for one of the very things I most love about her.
That’s what we do with our fairy princesses (and princes). We say, “Look at her, she’s magical, beautiful, a princess!” Then we marry the princess and want to be her equal. And since we’re not royalty, that means pulling them down to our level. WHAT FUN IS THAT?!? I had a fairy princess… now I have… an equal?! How satisfying is that going to be when I see another fairy princess passing by?
Instead, I think the trick is to figure out how to keep the fairy princess a fairy princess. And this means embracing double standards. If she wants the groomsman to clean up after her mess, shall I do it begrudgingly? I shall not! I’ll do it joyfully. If she needs to yell at me to express herself, I will take it like a knight in shining armor. But yell at her, I will not! The queen gets to admonish her subjects, not the other way around. But the subjects get to have a queen!
(Really Important Note: I’m not talking about letting myself/yourself be walked on and mistreated. I’m not talking about letting your partner treat you like dirt. I’m talking about being really, really generous with your partner. I’m talking about letting your partner say what s/he needs to say before you express yourself. I’m talking about cutting your partner an acre of slack. I’m talking about stopping trying to find fault, and instead finding… whatever the opposite of “fault” is. Find blessings, perfection, etc. And there you’ll find your prince or princess.)
So, I’m going on record. No more resisting double standards for me. I’m going to treat JoAnn like a princess, like my queen (I mostly do already). I’m going to clean up after her (I already do and she’s not messy anyway). I’m going to let her yell at me (she doesn’t do that often), I’m going to let her talk about old boyfriends without feeling like I need to talk about old girlfriends. I’m going to let her admonish me for not calling her several times throughout the day, without ever admonishing her for not calling back.
Double standards usually are not what they seem, anyway. We each have different needs. We’re good at different things. We do different things for each other. It would be impossible to try to calculate who is doing more – and a loser’s calculation at that. If you want to keep track of something, keep track of how many times you caught your partner doing something right. Keep track of everything you love about your partner, of everything for which you’re grateful about your relationship.
I used to love to play tackle football with my friends in junior high school. I rarely cared about which team won. I just loved smashing into other guys, going all out and leaving it all on the field. Limping off, aching everywhere, wasn’t something you complained about – it was a badge. As long as you didn’t break anything, the more you hurt, the more you knew you went all out – and you were proud of that.
Just so, I don’t worry about coming out of each interaction with JoAnn unscathed. I want to give her everything I’ve got without concern for minor aches and bruises. I want to be the knight, fresh from battle, banged up but still whole, gazing into the adoring eyes of my princess who says, “You have fared well, good knight. We are most grateful to you. Now come inside and we shall feast.”