New Earth Relationships

Mutuality – A Red Herring?

Thanks to Denise for inspiring this post – which is actually a promoted comment response to her thoughtful comment on Embracing Double Standards.

I don’t think I mean to talk about “control” – although I do believe that true control is the giving up of control. I love stories of prisoners who while in prison finally became free – because they accepted their surroundings for the first time in their lives. And yes, it’s worth another reiteration that I’m not talking about bad, controlling behavior.

When JoAnn says “You’re not allowed to yell at me” what she’s really saying is something along the spectrum of “It’s hard for me to handle your disapproval” to “I can’t handle expressions of anger pointed at me from the person I love the most.” And if I do it enough, she won’t stick around for it. And, to be very clear, my “yelling” at JoAnn is raising my voice from a 3-out-of-10 to maybe a 5, and still communicating fairly responsibly.

On to mutuality.

I’m pretty clear that mutuality is a red herring at its best, and one of the most relationship-undermining concepts at its worst. First of all, there’s no way to tally what each partner in a relationship is doing for the other, or to keep track of it over time. Secondly, it maybe misses the point entirely. If I love the thrill I get when I bring JoAnn flowers and she squeals with delight… who is getting the gift here? If I bring her flowers every week and she never gives me flowers, does that mean we’re out of mutuality balance?*

If I love to hold the door for her, hold her chair, etc., and do all those gentlemanly things that can be fun for a person who likes to think of himself as a gentleman, am I to expect her to occasionally hold my chair? **

To each her own, of course. For example, there are people who love to be dominated (sexually and otherwise) and people who enjoy dominating. To them, mutuality is the dominator making demands and the submissive one filling them.

Of course, I believe in fairness. I just think we need to be careful where we look for that fairness. I mostly judge by my emotional bank account. If JoAnn’s making more deposits than withdrawals (and vice versa), we’re generally in great shape.

Contrast this with a prior, painful relationship. My (then) partner and I sapped each others energy; we were not loving, kind and generous with each other. With each of us constantly feeling emotionally overdrawn, things like who is doing more housework, bill paying, yard work, etc. became the only currency we had. And when we got to that low state of existence, “mutuality” (really, tit for tat) took center stage. And, from that state of mind, the other one always felt like s/he was getting the short end of the stick.

* The truth is that I don’t buy her cut flowers – hardly ever, but I would if she liked them!
** I wish I was more like the gentlemanly guy I’m describing. I’ll work on it.

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Relationships Aren’t for Everybody

(Portions of this post, and others in this blog, are from my book New Earth Relationships – A Guide for Couples in the 21st Century ©2009 William S. Weil; All rights reserved)

I once heard Werner Erhard, the personal transformation guru of the 70’s and 80’s say something like “relationships are like mountain climbing – they’re not for most people.”  That floored me.  How can relationships not be for everybody, or at least “most people?”

My ex-wife and I were convinced we had an awesome, a forever, relationship.  We wrote beautiful, deeply moving marriage vows and had a fabulous ceremony with hundreds of family members and friends present, all telling us what a wonderful couple we made.

We did have a wonderful relationship, and we knew it.  What we didn’t know is that even the best relationships are full of potholes and landmines.

We thought that since our relationship started out great, we had the “magic.”  Things would automatically stay great.  Boy, were we wrong!  We made the same mistake that countless other couples who start out with fabulous relationships make, and our relationship was tragically derailed in the first year. After 11 difficult years of trying to make it work, we divorced.

Perhaps you’ve been with the same person for a relatively short time.  Perhaps things are great.  Add some more years, kids, a mortgage, some pressures with your job, etc., temptations from other, more attractive people, and see where you are then.  I’m not saying that yours isn’t the best relationship in the world.  I’m just asking if you think you are immune to the realities that impact every couple around you.  The fact is that if you think you have a better than one-in-ten shot, you are probably kidding yourself.

People in fresh, young relationships tend to be unrealistic at best, arrogant at worst.  What are the odds that their level of happiness will last?  Ten percent? Five percent? One in a hundred?  With the divorce rate at 50% in the US, the odds just aren’t good.  And remember that the 50% who stay together aren’t necessarily passionately, ecstatically in love.  We all know people who stay together in dysfunctional, abusive, or dependent cycles and others who think any marriage is better than being alone.  A small percentage of couples who stay together are in deeply loving and passionate marriages.

It’s common for people who have been in a happy relationship for less than a year or two to think they have it figured out. Typically they do not. Instead of watering the tree that is their relationship, they are picking the fruit.  The tragedy is that at the very time when they might be developing skills to help them keep love and passion alive for the long haul, young couples are unconscious to what is, and is not, working.  When the love finally dies, they figure it was either a) inevitable, b) the other person’s fault, c) that they just grew apart, or some other explanation.  What they are left with is an explanation of why it did not work out.  This will not serve them at all in their next relationship(s).

If you are happy now, now is the time to build the skills and tools for a long-term, loving, passionate, mutually-fulfilling relationship.  If you are less than happy, then now is the time to begin to repair things.

Falling in love is one thing.  To stay in love for the long haul you have to learn how to constantly and consciously “create” your love for one another.  Sure it’s easy when you are first in love, but when that wears off, when the little things start to become big things, when you least expect it, that’s when you need a powerful habit of excellent communication to get things back on track.

The purpose of this blog, then, is to act as a kind of community to support couples in staying conscious, in helping to provide tools to enable couples to “create” their love for each other, and to be honest and open about what is and is not working.

Questions
What challenges have you overcome in your relationship?  How did you do it?  If you’ve found the secret to a many-year relationship, how do you keep love and passion alive?

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Turning Your Prince(ss) into a Frog: Embracing Double Standards

We generally consider double standards unfair.

Simple example: JoAnn can leave a mess, but if I do, I’ll hear about it. JoAnn can yell at me, but I’m not allowed to yell at her. JoAnn can talk about old boyfriends, but will get upset if I talk about old girlfriends.

The ego screams, “It’s not fair!  Why should she have different rules than I do?!”

When we are single and alone, most of us are looking for that special someone.  Someone who can be a best friend.  But also someone magical.  We don’t want an ordinary relationship; we want something more. Something truly extraordinary.

And when we find it, what will we do with that extraordinary person?  We’ll turn them into someone ordinary.

JoAnn was my dream girl. While some might prefer more of the “fairy princess” type, I go for the “bitchy, tough and cutting on the outside; sensitive, loving and intelligent on the inside” type.  Let’s focus on the “bitchy and tough” part. It’s true that I love her directness, the way she doesn’t take any crap from anyone. When she told me the story of how she repulsed, on two occasions, armed robbers, I started to swoon.

Ah! But what happens when she gets bitchy and tough with… me! Hold on a minute!  That’s a different story. Now all of a sudden I’m criticizing her for one of the very things I most love about her.

That’s stupid.

That’s what we do with our fairy princesses (and princes).  We say, “Look at her, she’s magical, beautiful, a princess!”  Then we marry the princess and want to be her equal.  And since we’re not royalty, that means pulling them down to our level.  WHAT FUN IS THAT?!?  I had a fairy princess… now I have… an equal?! How satisfying is that going to be when I see another fairy princess passing by?

Instead, I think the trick is to figure out how to keep the fairy princess a fairy princess.  And this means embracing double standards.  If she wants the groomsman to clean up after her mess, shall I do it begrudgingly?  I shall not! I’ll do it joyfully.  If she needs to yell at me to express herself, I will take it like a knight in shining armor. But yell at her, I will not!  The queen gets to admonish her subjects, not the other way around.  But the subjects get to have a queen!

(Really Important Note: I’m not talking about letting myself/yourself be walked on and mistreated.  I’m not talking about letting your partner treat you like dirt.  I’m talking about being really, really generous with your partner.  I’m talking about letting your partner say what s/he needs to say before you express yourself.  I’m talking about cutting your partner an acre of slack.  I’m talking about stopping trying to find fault, and instead finding… whatever the opposite of “fault” is.  Find blessings, perfection, etc. And there you’ll find your prince or princess.)

So, I’m going on record.  No more resisting double standards for me. I’m going to treat JoAnn like a princess, like my queen (I mostly do already). I’m going to clean up after her (I already do and she’s not messy anyway). I’m going to let her yell at me (she doesn’t do that often), I’m going to let her talk about old boyfriends without feeling like I need to talk about old girlfriends. I’m going to let her admonish me for not calling her several times throughout the day, without ever admonishing her for not calling back.

Double standards usually are not what they seem, anyway.  We each have different needs. We’re good at different things. We do different things for each other.  It would be impossible to try to calculate who is doing more – and a loser’s calculation at that.  If you want to keep track of something, keep track of how many times you caught your partner doing something right.  Keep track of everything you love about your partner, of everything for which you’re grateful about your relationship.

I used to love to play tackle football with my friends in junior high school. I rarely cared about which team won. I just loved smashing into other guys, going all out and leaving it all on the field.  Limping off, aching everywhere, wasn’t something you complained about – it was a badge. As long as you didn’t break anything, the more you hurt, the more you knew you went all out – and you were proud of that.

Just so, I don’t worry about coming out of each interaction with JoAnn unscathed.  I want to give her everything I’ve got without concern for minor aches and bruises. I want to be the knight, fresh from battle, banged up but still whole, gazing into the adoring eyes of my princess who says, “You have fared well, good knight. We are most grateful to you.  Now come inside and we shall feast.”

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When a Day Feels Too Long

Really, the trick is “having.”  Having what you have.  Choosing what you have.  Allowing yourself to be present to what you have.  Being grateful.

Sometimes the thing we want so much is right in front of us, if we’re willing to let ourselves just have it. I think a lot of us struggle with this.  I wrote the following for my partner, JoAnn, in the wake of such a struggle.

When a day feels too long
When people aren’t much fun
You drive home in the waning light
Looking for a nowhere moon
On a gray dismal day

With your knees aching
Feeling somewhat colder than before
Warding off today’s headache
With yet another Anacin
As you squeeze the car
For the millionth time
Into your narrow garage

And dragging too many
Bags of clothes, food, makeup
Open your door
To cold, darkened rooms
And you climb the stairs
To take off your face
And, for whatever reason
Take a cold, hard, maybe
Too close look at yourself
And think God
Am I’m getting old

And when you move
Slightly out of the way
Of your own reflection
And see me standing behind you
Smiling
You think to yourself
Maybe just once in my life
I could let myself have
The one thing I’ve
Always said I’ve wanted.

And when I look at
You in the mirror
I see so much more
Than a beautiful woman
I see a brilliant, gifted
Giving soul who can
Meet me where I live

And it makes me think
Maybe just once in my life
I could have for myself
The one thing I’ve
Always said I’ve wanted.

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What Are New Earth Relationships?

In A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose, Eckhart Tolle talks about a world where a critical mass of the population has an elevated conscious.  My book, New Earth Relationships, A Guide for Couples in the 21st Century, describes a process for you and your partner to support each other in elevating your respective consciousness.

Beyond having our basic survival needs met (shelter, food, clothes, health), what does make us happy?  Here’s a short list.

  • Feeling loved.
  • Feeling lovable, worthy and capable of having someone love us.
  • Feeling balanced and internally peaceful.
  • Feeling at one with the universe.
  • Being of service – having an experience that we make a difference.

If we want to feel contented and fulfilled, that’s where we need to put our energies.  If we want to get there, we need to learn how to be present and grateful. If you can get there without doing any more work on yourself, you have my congratulations. For the majority of us, perhaps the purpose of having a relationship is to support our intent to work on ourselves.

A new earth relationship gives us someone to push our buttons, so we’ll have to do that work. A new earth relationship allows us to get the positive and negative feedback we need in order to true ourselves to a higher purpose. And a new earth relationship gives us a real partner to support us during the good and bad times.

Sometimes the thing we want so much is right in front of us, if we’re willing to let ourselves see it.

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Example Using the Mindful Dialogue

Below is an example conversation Bill might have with JoAnn. Note that when requesting the conversation, we use the term mindful dialogue to distinguish it from normal conversation. Using the phrase mindful dialogue, or something similar, is a tip-off to your partner that a special kind of discussion is wanted. Because the mindful dialogue has a precise and predictable format, it’s very safe.

If you’re upset, you might ask for a mindful dialogue as a safe way for me to say whatever you need to say. Likewise, if Bill notices that JoAnn is upset, he might offer that theyhave a mindful dialogue as a safe way for her to communicate.  Other code words or phrases you might use are “Can you just get something for me?” or “I really need you to hear me about something.” The phrase you use is not important, as long as you’re communicating that you’d like to create a safe environment for the two of you to talk.

Step 1: Permission

Bill: Darling, I’d like to have a mindful dialogue.  Can you take a few minutes right now?

JoAnn: Yes, dear.

Step 2: Communication and Reflecting Back

Bill: I feel like I can never win in helping you cook for Thanksgiving.

JoAnn: You feel like you can’t win helping me cook for Thanksgiving?

Bill: Right. No matter how helpful I try to be, it seems I’m always in your way.

JoAnn: You feel like you’re always in my way. Got it.

Bill: Yes, and it reminds me of when I tried to be helpful with my parents on Thanksgiving, and no matter what I did, I just seemed to always anger my stepmother.

JoAnn: So my getting angry with you reminds you of your stepmother getting angry?

Bill: Right.

JoAnn: Anything else?

Bill: Yes. Of course it’s different, because you really do appreciate me.  I know you just get into frenzy mode with the amazing meal you pull together. And I know that when the frenzy is over, you’re going to acknowledge me like crazy and tell me how much you love me, but in the moment, I get upset.

JoAnn: You know I appreciate you.  You know I just get in a frenzy. And you just get hooked about Thanksgivings with your parents when I get angry with you in the moment.

Bill: Yes, that’s it.

JoAnn: I hear you, darling. Anything else?

Bill:  No, that’s all.

Step 3: Recap

JoAnn: So let me make sure I got all of this.  You feel like you can never win during Thanksgiving, you feel like you’re always in my way, and it reminds you of Thanksgivings of yore when your stepmother would yell at you.  Did I get everything?

Bill: Also, that I know that you really do appreciate me.

JoAnn: Right. Got it.  Anything else?

Bill: No, that’s all.

Step 4: Appreciating

JoAnn: Well, given your upbringing, I can see why you’d feel that way.  It must be especially hard for you during the holidays, which I know is a stressful time for you anyway, to have me get all pissy when you’re just trying to help.

Step 5: Gratitude

Bill: Thank you, darling, for really hearing me.

JoAnn: You’re welcome.  Thanks for communicating with me and having me be your full partner.

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