Favorite Posts Archives - Conscious Couples ConversationsConscious Couples Conversations

23Jun

Mark Wolynn – Understanding Inherited Trauma for Better Relationships with Ourselves and Others

The science of epigenetics has proven that trauma is passed genetically over generations in humans and other animals. In this highly practical and useful episode, Mark Wolynn talks with Bill about how inherited family trauma affects ourselves and our relationships, and how we might begin to break the cycle.

Mark Wolynn is a leading expert on inherited family trauma. As the director of The Family Constellation Institute in San Francisco, he trains clinicians and treats people struggling with depression, anxiety, panic disorder, obsessive thoughts, self-injury, chronic pain, and other persistent symptoms and conditions. A sought-after lecturer, he leads workshops at hospitals, clinics, conferences, and teaching centers around the world. His recent book, It Didn’t Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle won the 2016-2017 Silver Nautilus Award for Psychology.

29Mar

Vulnerability & Vicious Circles with Jim Thomas

Bill’s first conversation with Jim Thomas, is the second-most popular Conscious Couples Conversation since its inception. In today’s highly vulnerable podcast (destined to make it to the top of the charts), Jim and Bill talk about a vicious circle (based loosely on this Pathwork lecture – read it, it’s great!) that begins early in life, and influences us as adults.

Jim Thomas is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. He has served as President of the Colorado Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and Director of the Colorado Center for Emotionally Focused Therapy or EFT – which learned from its creator, Sue Johnson. Jim’s work focuses on helping people to be more fully aware and engaged in their lives – allowing deeper connection with others and a richer life.

26Apr

Drs. Helen LaKelly Hunt & Harville Hendrix – A Candid Look the Relationship of Our Most Celebrated Teachers

Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt

The research, institutions, programs and teachings of Drs. Helen LaKelly Hunt and Harville Hendrix have made the greatest contributions to successful relationships in the past century. In this intimate, candid interview, we get a peek at how they’ve had to transform their own relationship in order to discover what does and doesn’t work.

Harville Hendrix, Ph. D. is a Clinical Pastoral Counselor who is known internationally for his work with couples. Besides her work with her aforementioned husband, Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D. has made significant philanthropic contributions to support women and girls. Together they founded the Institute for Imago Relationship Therapy, a therapy for couples now practiced by over 2400 certified therapists in 37 countries and coauthored several bestsellers on relationships. Their collaboration has resulted in 10 books in 57 languages, including the groundbreaking, seminal New York Times bestseller, Getting the Love You Want, and, most recently, Making Marriage Simple: 10 Truths for Changing the Relationship You Have into the One You Want. Harville Hendrix has appeared on many national television shows, including 18 guest appearances on Oprah, one of which won her an Emmy award for the “most socially redemptive” daytime talk show.

05Apr

Dr. Sheri Meyers Podcast

Dr. Sheri Meyers is a Marriage & Family Therapist and the author of Chatting or Cheating: How to Detect Infidelity, Rebuild Love, and Affair-Proof Your Relationship. She is among the nation’s most frequently quoted and interviewed relationship and infidelity specialists and regularly appears on NBC, ABC, CBS, CNN and FOX. Her compassionate, practical, methods have inspired and helped thousands of men and women overcome their most complex and daunting relationship and sexual challenges.

22Mar

Robert Augustus Masters, Ph.D. Podcast

Robert Masters Podcast

Join us for this exceptional discussion with Dr. Robert Augustus Masters. His deep work integrates the psychological, somatic, emotional, and spiritual. He is the author of Transformation Through Intimacy, Emotional Intimacy and a slew of other books and recordings. He is the co-founder of the Masters Center for Transformation School which offers unique teachings in the field of healing, awakening and relational work, bringing together all the dimensions of being human in an intuitive, deeply empowering integrative manner.

24Feb

Harville Hendrix on the Conscious Couples Conversation Podcast

Dr. Harville Hendrix is arguably the nation’s foremost author, teacher and thinker on love and relationships. He is a Clinical Pastoral Counselor who is known internationally for his work with couples. He, and his wife, Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt, co-created Imago Relationship Therapy, a therapy for couples now practiced by over 2000 certified therapists in 30 countries. Their partnership and collaboration has resulted in 10 books in 57 languages, including his groundbreaking, seminal New York Times bestseller, Getting the Love You Want, and, most recently, Making Marriage Simple: 10 Truths for Changing the Relationship You Have into the One You Want. Dr. Hendrix has appeared on many national television shows including 18 guest appearances on Oprah, one of which won her an Emmy award for the “most socially redemptive” daytime talk show and was included by Oprah in her top twenty shows.

17Feb

Margaret Paul

In this, one of our favorite conversations, Dr. Margaret Paul asserts that the essence of relationship conflict is a byproduct of self-abandonment.

Dr. Margaret Paul is the author of a number of best-selling books, including Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You?, Inner Bonding, and Healing Your Aloneness. Her books have been translated into eleven languages and are distributed around the world.

She holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is a relationship expert, noted public speaker, workshop leader, educator, chaplain, consultant and artist. She has appeared on many radio and TV shows, including Oprah. She has successfully worked with thousands of individuals, couples and business relationships and continues to work with individuals and couples — mostly via phone.

Her passion is helping people heal the root cause of their pain and learn the path to joy and loving relationships.

27Jan

Your Partner Is Amazing

In this post, I want to provide a path for you to see your partner as someone more wonderful than you’ve experienced before. I am using wonderful in all its strictest interpretations: excellent; great; marvelous; of a sort that causes or arouses wonder; amazing; astonishing.

For most of us, it’s difficult to imagine a partner of 20, 10, 5, even 2 years as “astonishing.” How can we be astonished and amazed by someone we’ve known for that long… unless our partner is Oprah, Bill Gates, Bono, Nelson Mandela, someone who is doing amazing things day in and day out?

What those celebrities have is realized potential. But every one of us has that same potential – not necessarily in the same areas, but just as much.

You and I and your partner have 99% the same DNA as everybody else. Our existence on this planet together is nothing less than a miracle.

I have a nephew who has bone cancer. Now, before he had cancer, he was a terrific athlete – the kind that scores more than half the points of his entire team, at virtually any sport. But he wasn’t what you would have thought of as a remarkable human being. He was a teenager, with all the annoying trimmings that come with most teenagers.

It wasn’t until he got cancer that we were able to see how remarkable he truly is. The way he bucked up about having to have a prosthetic limb, ending his athletic endeavors. The way he took care of other stricken families at St. Jude’s. I could write endlessly on how he’s inspired people, but you’ve already heard this story. It happens at every age. Someone gets some a serious illness and transforms into a super human being. Happens every day. You probably know more than one example.

My point is this. Your partner is an ordinary person and an extraordinary person. At some point, as is the drift, you’ve probably positioned him or her in some pigeon hole. What will it take before you recognize your partner as wonderful – to be filled with wonder in your partner’s presence? You could wait until he or she gets cancer. Or, you could be the environment in which your partner’s brilliance occurs. Your partner is already amazing. Being filled with wonder is up to you.

In this post, I want to provide a path for you to see your partner as someone more wonderful than you’ve experienced before. I am using wonderful in all its strictest interpretations: excellent; great; marvelous; of a sort that causes or arouses wonder; amazing; astonishing.

For most of us, it’s difficult to imagine a partner of 20, 10, 5, even 2 years as “astonishing.” How can we be astonished and amazed by someone we’ve known for that long… unless our partner is Oprah, Bill Gates, Bono, Nelson Mandela, someone who is doing amazing things day in and day out?

What those celebrities have is realized potential. You and I and your partner have 99% the same DNA as everybody else. Every one of us has that same potential – not necessarily in the same areas, but just as much.

I have a nephew who has bone cancer. Now, before he had cancer, he was a terrific athlete – the kind that scores more than half the points of his entire team in virtually every sport. But he wasn’t what you would have thought of as a remarkable human being. He was a teenager, with all the annoying, self-centered, hormone-induced trimmings that come with teenagers.

It wasn’t until he got cancer that we were able to see how remarkable he truly is. The way he bucked up about having to have a prosthetic limb, ending his athletic endeavors. The way he took care of other stricken families at St. Jude’s. I could write endlessly on how he’s inspired people, but you’ve already heard this story, from people of all ages. Someone gets a serious malady and transforms into a super human being. Happens every day. You probably know more than one example personally.

My point is this. Your partner is an ordinary person and an extraordinary person. At some point, as is the drift, you’ve probably positioned him or her in some pigeon hole. What will it take before you recognize your partner as wonderful – to be filled with wonder in your partner’s presence? You could wait until he or she gets cancer. Or, you could be the environment in which your partner’s brilliance occurs. Your partner is already amazing. Being filled with wonder is up to you.

Knowledge of what is possible is the beginning of happiness.
-George Santayana

20Jan

It Takes Three Days to Have Sex

Roughly 50% of marriages in the U.S. result in divorce. For the other 50%, maybe half are satisfied in their relationships, probably a lot less. I’d like to be part of the solution, and your input will help. My thanks to everyone who’s written to me already.

There are a number of factors that lead to unhappy relationships. One less discussed reason is dissatisfaction with sex and/or intimacy.

Typically, the wife complains that there isn’t enough intimacy. The husband complains that there isn’t enough sex. Sometimes it’s reversed, but let’s use this case as our example. In either case, there is an obvious connection between sex and intimacy.

Generally, it doesn’t take much to get a man in the mood. With women, you want to be thinking three days. I am not kidding. If you yell at your partner in the morning, or simply ignore her, or don’t allow her to feel attractive, or don’t really get her when she’s communicating something that’s important to her, you probably aren’t getting any tonight.

Don’t get me wrong. On balance, women love sex as much as men. But it needs to be from a state of intimacy. Most women need this. Most men don’t. Most women need you to show and/or tell them you love them in the morning, a few times during the day, every day, and in the evening. If you want sex, the time to start is three days out. If you do this all the time, chances are you can have sex whenever you want it. Easily two-three times per week. If you don’t, you’ll be lucky to get lucky once a fortnight.

If I appear to be callous or crude, I don’t mean to be. Sex is not a sin. Even the most puritanical of us would have to agree that two key elements of a healthy union are sex and intimacy.

Here is some essential advice for men.

Make sure your partner has an orgasm virtually every time. If your sexual energy drops dramatically after you orgasm (as it does for most of us), then you better make sure she orgasms before you do.
If you’ve never been educated on the female anatomy, bone up. You wouldn’t try to drive a car without knowing a few things about how it works. If your woman is having mad orgasms every time you have sex, chances are she’ll be the one initiating it more often than not.
Not all women like the same thing. If you don’t know what she likes, find a way to communicate. It could be that you ask, and she tells you. Or it could be that you set it up that you’ll explore around, and she’ll give you louder moans the more you’re turning her on.
Most women expect you to cuddle with them after sex. Hopping out of bed sends the wrong signal.
How often do you tell your partner you love her? Some may say, “But what if I’m not feeling it – isn’t that somewhat dishonest?” It’s not. Telling someone you love them is a declaration. It’s a creation-based statement meant to pull you into a feeling, not an assertion of fact. If you have integrity, that is, if you honor your words, then, by declaring love, feelings will come automatically. Try it. It really works.
Don’t make crude jokes about sex, or your partner, before, during or after sex. That is, ever.
Never make fun of your partner, or put her down, in front of other people. (Or, ideally, ever.)
Don’t let a day go by without kissing her – and not as a prelude to sex.
Practice gratitude – regarding your relationship, every day think of five things for which you are grateful. Ideally you would communicate these to your partner.

The fallout of adopting this behavior may astound you. Besides having a lot more sex, you may actually find yourself falling deeper and deeper in love with your partner. And this, I can tell you, is the one thing I’m aware of which is truly better than sex.

And that’s really the point of this article. Great sex is a product of having a great relationship, not the other way around. These really aren’t meant to be “tricks” to get your partner to have sex with you; they are foundational principles to having a great relationship. And great sex is simply one of the byproducts of having a great relationship.

28Dec

What Is Commitment in a Relationship?

It is increasingly clear to me that when romantic partners talk about having a “committed relationship” often neither one has any clue what the other one means by a committed relationship. To what, specifically, has each person committed, and for how long? Don’t you think it’s time we had some clarity about this?

Example 1

Setting: Oprah show

Situation: Two 15-year-olds talking about planning on having sex together

Celebrity Relationship Coach: How long do you plan on being together?

Boy: Um, we’re in high school, so, like, maybe, six months?

Girl: (frowning) Ummm. Really? Because I was thinking, like, forever? Six months? No way I’m having sex with you if that’s what you’re thinking!

Example 2

I was coaching two clients who make a great couple. They both do things that hurt the relationship, but it’s all stuff that’s easily handled, and in a few weeks of my coaching them, they’ve already made the better part of that journey. But she has an issue about his level of commitment. According to her, if they’ve been together for four years, they should stay together forever. But if they really were committed, they would get married (I’m not saying I would or they should, that’s what they expressed to me). So, until they are married, I won’t believe the full commitment is there. He’s waiting for her to be more balanced and for there to be less regularly occurring big upsets before he’s willing to propose. And indeed, if you ask her, she’ll say she’s totally committed… but then the slightest provocation that taps into her primal pain has her questioning whether she wants to be in the relationship at all!

So, with the help of some lawyer friends (some of whom are trained in Collaborative Divorce, I drafted this Commitment Manifesto which you are free to download and use. Of course, one commitment size does not fit all, but at least here is a template from which you can craft your own.

My wise friend, Lou, distinguished that this document is more a way of saying to what kind of relationship are you committed. Many of us might not even make that distinction, but just collapse the two, and I think that’s fine.

Some may prefer to think of the Commitment Manifesto as the “doing” of commitment. Perhaps the “being” of commitment is having a very high level of integrity, and being committed to doing whatever it takes to take care of your relationship. The following short form nicely collapses the being and doing parts:

“I’m committed to staying with you (indefinitely), being faithful (no romance with other partners) and honoring you and our relationship. If I do anything that is apparently outside this commitment, I’m committed to cleaning it up, restoring your trust and doing whatever I have to do to return myself to my commitment.”

I’m anxious to know your thoughts about what constitutes commitment in a relationship.

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