Roughly 50% of marriages in the U.S. result in divorce. For the other 50%, maybe half are satisfied in their relationships, probably a lot less. I’d like to be part of the solution, and your input will help. My thanks to everyone who’s written to me already.
There are a number of factors that lead to unhappy relationships. One less discussed reason is dissatisfaction with sex and/or intimacy.
Typically, the wife complains that there isn’t enough intimacy. The husband complains that there isn’t enough sex. Sometimes it’s reversed, but let’s use this case as our example. In either case, there is an obvious connection between sex and intimacy.
Generally, it doesn’t take much to get a man in the mood. With women, you want to be thinking three days. I am not kidding. If you yell at your partner in the morning, or simply ignore her, or don’t allow her to feel attractive, or don’t really get her when she’s communicating something that’s important to her, you probably aren’t getting any tonight.
Don’t get me wrong. On balance, women love sex as much as men. But it needs to be from a state of intimacy. Most women need this. Most men don’t. Most women need you to show and/or tell them you love them in the morning, a few times during the day, every day, and in the evening. If you want sex, the time to start is three days out. If you do this all the time, chances are you can have sex whenever you want it. Easily two-three times per week. If you don’t, you’ll be lucky to get lucky once a fortnight.
If I appear to be callous or crude, I don’t mean to be. Sex is not a sin. Even the most puritanical of us would have to agree that two key elements of a healthy union are sex and intimacy.
Here is some essential advice for men.
- Make sure your partner has an orgasm virtually every time. If your sexual energy drops dramatically after you orgasm (as it does for most of us), then you better make sure she orgasms before you do.
- If you’ve never been educated on the female anatomy, bone up. You wouldn’t try to drive a car without knowing a few things about how it works. If your woman is having mad orgasms every time you have sex, chances are she’ll be the one initiating it more often than not.
- Not all women like the same thing. If you don’t know what she likes, find a way to communicate. It could be that you ask, and she tells you. Or it could be that you set it up that you’ll explore around, and she’ll give you louder moans the more you’re turning her on.
- Most women expect you to cuddle with them after sex. Hopping out of bed sends the wrong signal.
- How often do you tell your partner you love her? Some may say, “But what if I’m not feeling it – isn’t that somewhat dishonest?” It’s not. Telling someone you love them is a declaration. It’s a creation-based statement meant to pull you into a feeling, not an assertion of fact. If you have integrity, that is, if you honor your words, then, by declaring love, feelings will come automatically. Try it. It really works.
- Don’t make crude jokes about sex, or your partner, before, during or after sex. That is, ever.
- Never make fun of your partner, or put her down, in front of other people. (Or, ideally, ever.)
- Don’t let a day go by without kissing her – and not as a prelude to sex.
- Practice gratitude – regarding your relationship, every day think of five things for which you are grateful. Ideally you would communicate these to your partner.
The fallout of adopting this behavior may astound you. Besides having a lot more sex, you may actually find yourself falling deeper and deeper in love with your partner. And this, I can tell you, is the one thing I’m aware of which is truly better than sex.
And that’s really the point of this article. Great sex is a product of having a great relationship, not the other way around. These really aren’t meant to be “tricks” to get your partner to have sex with you; they are foundational principles to having a great relationship. And great sex is simply one of the byproducts of having a great relationship.