Offering loving written communications, notes, cards, poems and so on to your partner on a weekly, or more frequent, basis.
Write a note to your partner. It may simply be an “I love you” left in your partner’s lunch bag, on your partner’s pillow, in your partner’s car, on your partner’s voicemail, etc.
Once a day for three weeks or at least 21 times within two months.
Communicating what makes you feel safe and what makes you feel loved and cared about, and routinely reviewing your partner’s list. Being responsible for your part in having your partner feel safe, loved and cared about.
Each partner makes an initial list of what makes that partner feel safe, loved and cared about.
After each of you have made your lists, share them with each other. Review the lists to make sure you understand what your partner is communicating.
Each week, add at least one item to your list and share the entire list with each other.
Once initially, and then each week for eight weeks, or at least eight updates in three months.
Being responsible for getting yourself acknowledged, despite how awkward it initially feels to do so.
Partner 1: Request that your partner acknowledge you for something specific: for example, “I’d like to be acknowledged for getting a raise last month.”
Partner 2: Acknowledge your partner.
Partner 1: Feed back to your partner as to whether you feel acknowledged. If you don’t feel acknowledged, communicate what was missing.
Partner 2: If at first you don’t succeed, continue to acknowledge your partner until you do.
Switch roles and repeat.
Once a week for nine weeks, or at least nine times in three months.
Making declarations to create a future for your relationship.
Every other week, switch off which partner does this. Make a declaration to your partner – anything from “I love you” to some future state in which you can envision your relationship (for example, “In one year we’re going to be the most loving, passionate couple we know”). It’s now your responsibility to live into this declaration and bring it into existence.
Once a month for six months, a total of three times each.
Making and keeping promises to your partner. Holding your partner accountable for his promises.
Partner 1: Make a promise to your partner, if you have not already done so in the previous exercise, Making and Accepting Requests. Make sure it meets each of the four criteria as stated in the Promises section of Chapter 11: Tools for Effective Communication.
Partner 2: If you feel you can count on your partner to keep his promise, accept it and lovingly hold your partner to account. If not, work with your partner to revise her promise to something for which you’re willing to be accountable.
Switch roles and repeat.
Once a week for nine weeks, or at least nine times in three months.
Making requests of your partner and being open to your partner’s requests. Making counteroffers to requests that you do not wish to accept.
Partner 1: Make a request of your partner.
Partner 2: Accept, reject or counteroffer the request.
Switch roles and repeat.
Once a week for nine weeks, or at least nine times in three months.
Identifying what wants to be communicated that you are withholding from your partner, and then communicating responsibly and powerfully.
Partner 1: Communicate something you are withholding from your partner.
Partner 2: Really hear your partner and validate your partner’s experience.
Switch roles and repeat.
Once a week for nine weeks, or at least nine times in three months.
Delivering complaints about your partner in a manner that is nurturing of your partner’s ego, loving, responsible and effective.
Partner 1: Practice delivering a complaint to your partner following the recipe for complaining in the section Complaining Responsibly of Chapter 11: Tools for Effective Communication. Start with something relatively small, and over the nine weeks work your way up to the bigger complaints after you’ve had success with smaller ones.
Partner 2: Provide feedback to your partner. Did your partner use “I messages,” if appropriate? Did your partner make the communication easy for you to hear? Did your partner come from a loving place in delivering the communication?
Repeat the process with the same complaint until Partner 1 can deliver the complaint in a way that is effective and loving for Partner 2.
Switch roles; have Partner 2 communicate a complaint and Partner 1 provide feedback.
Once a week for nine weeks, or at least nine times in three months.
Engaging in the sacred practice of experiencing and expressing gratitude on a daily basis.
Partner 1: Tell your partner five things about your partner for which you are grateful.
Partner 2: Thank your partner, without conditions or protestations.
Switch roles and repeat.
Once a day for three weeks (at least 21 times in one month).
Delivering and receiving acknowledgement in a way that is heartfelt and powerful. Making sure your expression of acknowledgement far exceeds the frequency of your complaining.
Partner 1: Acknowledge your partner for one or more things in a way that is heartfelt.
Partner 2: Thank your partner, without conditions, insuring that the “thank you” is independent of anything you are experiencing other than being acknowledged.
Switch roles and repeat.
Once a day for three weeks, or at least 21 times in one month.