Engaging in the sacred practice of experiencing and expressing gratitude on a daily basis.
Partner 1: Tell your partner five things about your partner for which you are grateful.
Partner 2: Thank your partner, without conditions or protestations.
Switch roles and repeat.
Once a day for three weeks (at least 21 times in one month).
Delivering and receiving acknowledgement in a way that is heartfelt and powerful. Making sure your expression of acknowledgement far exceeds the frequency of your complaining.
Partner 1: Acknowledge your partner for one or more things in a way that is heartfelt.
Partner 2: Thank your partner, without conditions, insuring that the “thank you” is independent of anything you are experiencing other than being acknowledged.
Switch roles and repeat.
Once a day for three weeks, or at least 21 times in one month.
Taking responsibility for your part of the degree of upset you are experiencing with your partner, realizing that much of your energy about this is related to past events which have nothing to do with your partner.
Partner 1: Communicate a recurring upset you’ve had with your partner and clearly distinguish the energy from the past that you bring to the upset. This is not about you communicating your upset to your partner. This is about you fully getting in touch with the past event or events that have you so charged about the upset, and taking responsibility for your energy.
Partner 2: Support your partner in experiencing the past event or events. Acknowledge your partner for being vulnerable and responsible.
Switch roles and repeat.
Once a week for nine weeks, or at least nine times in three months.
Hearing your partner in a way that excludes your egoic reactions, and fully embraces your partner’s point-of-view – even if it seems completely foreign or untrue to you.
Partner 1: Using the Mindful Dialogue recipe, communicate to Partner 2 something about which you would like to be heard.
Partner 2: Mirror back to Partner 1 according to the recipe.
Partner 1: Provide loving feedback as to the extent to which Partner 1 felt, heard and validated your point of view.
Switch roles and repeat.
Once a day for three weeks, or at least 21 times within two months.
Here is a recipe for communicating responsibly and powerfully we call Mindful Dialogue. It’s about really hearing someone, without getting defensive, minimizing, trying to fix it, etc. Just hearing it. Sounds simple, but most people don’t do it to the great frustration of their partners.
We’ll call the person wanting to be gotten the “Communicator” and the person getting the communication the “Receiver.”
Here is an example using the Mindful Dialogue.
Below is an example conversation Bill might have with JoAnn. Note that when requesting the conversation, we use the term mindful dialogue to distinguish it from normal conversation. Using the phrase mindful dialogue, or something similar, is a tip-off to your partner that a special kind of discussion is wanted. Because the mindful dialogue has a precise and predictable format, it’s very safe.
If you’re upset, you might ask for a mindful dialogue as a safe way for me to say whatever you need to say. Likewise, if Bill notices that JoAnn is upset, he might offer that theyhave a mindful dialogue as a safe way for her to communicate. Other code words or phrases you might use are “Can you just get something for me?” or “I really need you to hear me about something.” The phrase you use is not important, as long as you’re communicating that you’d like to create a safe environment for the two of you to talk.
Step 1: Permission
Bill: Darling, I’d like to have a mindful dialogue. Can you take a few minutes right now?
JoAnn: Yes, dear.
Step 2: Communication and Reflecting Back
Bill: I feel like I can never win in helping you cook for Thanksgiving.
JoAnn: You feel like you can’t win helping me cook for Thanksgiving?
Bill: Right. No matter how helpful I try to be, it seems I’m always in your way.
JoAnn: You feel like you’re always in my way. Got it.
Bill: Yes, and it reminds me of when I tried to be helpful with my parents on Thanksgiving, and no matter what I did, I just seemed to always anger my stepmother.
JoAnn: So my getting angry with you reminds you of your stepmother getting angry?
Bill: Right.
JoAnn: Anything else?
Bill: Yes. Of course it’s different, because you really do appreciate me. I know you just get into frenzy mode with the amazing meal you pull together. And I know that when the frenzy is over, you’re going to acknowledge me like crazy and tell me how much you love me, but in the moment, I get upset.
JoAnn: You know I appreciate you. You know I just get in a frenzy. And you just get hooked about Thanksgivings with your parents when I get angry with you in the moment.
Bill: Yes, that’s it.
JoAnn: I hear you, darling. Anything else?
Bill: No, that’s all.
Step 3: Recap
JoAnn: So let me make sure I got all of this. You feel like you can never win during Thanksgiving, you feel like you’re always in my way, and it reminds you of Thanksgivings of yore when your stepmother would yell at you. Did I get everything?
Bill: Also, that I know that you really do appreciate me.
JoAnn: Right. Got it. Anything else?
Bill: No, that’s all.
Step 4: Appreciating
JoAnn: Well, given your upbringing, I can see why you’d feel that way. It must be especially hard for you during the holidays, which I know is a stressful time for you anyway, to have me get all pissy when you’re just trying to help.
Step 5: Gratitude
Bill: Thank you, darling, for really hearing me.
JoAnn: You’re welcome. Thanks for communicating with me and having me be your full partner.