Relationship Advice

The Argument that Just Won’t Die

In preparing for the June 30, 2009 radio show about “The Argument that Just Won’t Die.” I made a list conditions that allow arguments to persist, and a summary of solutions to address each condition.

I’d love to have your feedback and additional thinking on these.  Note, I am not trying to classify what people are arguing about (guns, abortion, religion, taking out the garbage), but what’s occurring such that the argument is perpetuating.

Any one argument may have multiple conditions. Further, different conditions for a single argument may apply for different individuals (e.g., conditions A and B may be relevant for one person, while conditions B and D are relevant for her partner).

Often simple awareness is curative. If you and your partner choose a perpetual argument to dissolve, and then each clearly communicate where you experience yourself in this list, that may solve half, if not all, of the problem.

Conditions that Allow Your Argument to Perpetuate

Label

Description

Solution

Not Being Heard

One (or both) of us does not feel heard (or “gotten”) or is not being responsible for being heard.

Conduct a mindful dialogue until both of you feel fully heard and validated for your point of view.

Stuck on a Position

One (or both) of us is unwilling to let go of our
position.

Let go. Be generous.

Blast from the Past

Something about the argument triggers something from the past which has not


been identified.

The person who is irrationally upset (i.e., more upset than the specific event seems to warrant), must identify the past event that is being triggered, fully communicate the linkage between the argument and the upset, and own her piece of the energy of the argument.

Trauma

The source of the argument is rooted in some trauma from one of our pasts (e.g., if one of you was abused as a child and something about the argument triggers that trauma).

It’s one thing if the argument triggers something relatively minor but significant (Blast from the Past, above); it’s another thing if the argument triggers a large trauma. In this case, the traumatized person may want to see a psychoanalyst (with or without her partner).

Overdrawn

One or both of our emotional bank accounts is so empty that the smallest argument seems larger than the relationship.

This is best resolved by expressing love, providing acknowledgment, remembering why you got together in the first place and practicing being grateful.

Inflexible

My partner and I want different things and have not been able to compromise.

Most of the time this is not the issue. If you both feel heard, if you’re not triggered from the past, if you emotional bank account is not overdrawn, you can typically come to a reasonable compromise. Otherwise, find an independent third party (therapist, relationship coach) to help you negotiate.

Cleaning Up

One of us has offended the other and has not apologized / repented / made amends, and/or one of us has not forgiven the other.

The offender must find out what she needs to do to be forgiven and the person offended must forgive.

Rather Be Right than Happy

One or both of us would prefer to argue and/or be “right” and/or is more committed to the ego/racket/pain body than to a resolution.

Recognize that this is what you are doing and stop it – before your partner does. Observe your ego at work – which would rather be right than happy. When one party stops fueling the argument, it will soon die out.

Needs

One of us is not getting our needs or standards met.

Communicate that need clearly to your partner and make a clean request.

Insanity

One of us is crazy, an addict, or someone who has generally unacceptable behavior (e.g., gets violently angry; behaves like a juvenile, etc.).

Until the unstable person is stabilized (e.g., by doing a course in therapy, by getting into a 12-step program, etc.), the argument is not likely to be resolved. Until then, it’s best to just avoid the argument.

If you have an argument that does not fit into one of these categories, I’d love to hear about it!

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Turning Your Prince(ss) into a Frog: Embracing Double Standards

We generally consider double standards unfair.

Simple example: JoAnn can leave a mess, but if I do, I’ll hear about it. JoAnn can yell at me, but I’m not allowed to yell at her. JoAnn can talk about old boyfriends, but will get upset if I talk about old girlfriends.

The ego screams, “It’s not fair!  Why should she have different rules than I do?!”

When we are single and alone, most of us are looking for that special someone.  Someone who can be a best friend.  But also someone magical.  We don’t want an ordinary relationship; we want something more. Something truly extraordinary.

And when we find it, what will we do with that extraordinary person?  We’ll turn them into someone ordinary.

JoAnn was my dream girl. While some might prefer more of the “fairy princess” type, I go for the “bitchy, tough and cutting on the outside; sensitive, loving and intelligent on the inside” type.  Let’s focus on the “bitchy and tough” part. It’s true that I love her directness, the way she doesn’t take any crap from anyone. When she told me the story of how she repulsed, on two occasions, armed robbers, I started to swoon.

Ah! But what happens when she gets bitchy and tough with… me! Hold on a minute!  That’s a different story. Now all of a sudden I’m criticizing her for one of the very things I most love about her.

That’s stupid.

That’s what we do with our fairy princesses (and princes).  We say, “Look at her, she’s magical, beautiful, a princess!”  Then we marry the princess and want to be her equal.  And since we’re not royalty, that means pulling them down to our level.  WHAT FUN IS THAT?!?  I had a fairy princess… now I have… an equal?! How satisfying is that going to be when I see another fairy princess passing by?

Instead, I think the trick is to figure out how to keep the fairy princess a fairy princess.  And this means embracing double standards.  If she wants the groomsman to clean up after her mess, shall I do it begrudgingly?  I shall not! I’ll do it joyfully.  If she needs to yell at me to express herself, I will take it like a knight in shining armor. But yell at her, I will not!  The queen gets to admonish her subjects, not the other way around.  But the subjects get to have a queen!

(Really Important Note: I’m not talking about letting myself/yourself be walked on and mistreated.  I’m not talking about letting your partner treat you like dirt.  I’m talking about being really, really generous with your partner.  I’m talking about letting your partner say what s/he needs to say before you express yourself.  I’m talking about cutting your partner an acre of slack.  I’m talking about stopping trying to find fault, and instead finding… whatever the opposite of “fault” is.  Find blessings, perfection, etc. And there you’ll find your prince or princess.)

So, I’m going on record.  No more resisting double standards for me. I’m going to treat JoAnn like a princess, like my queen (I mostly do already). I’m going to clean up after her (I already do and she’s not messy anyway). I’m going to let her yell at me (she doesn’t do that often), I’m going to let her talk about old boyfriends without feeling like I need to talk about old girlfriends. I’m going to let her admonish me for not calling her several times throughout the day, without ever admonishing her for not calling back.

Double standards usually are not what they seem, anyway.  We each have different needs. We’re good at different things. We do different things for each other.  It would be impossible to try to calculate who is doing more – and a loser’s calculation at that.  If you want to keep track of something, keep track of how many times you caught your partner doing something right.  Keep track of everything you love about your partner, of everything for which you’re grateful about your relationship.

I used to love to play tackle football with my friends in junior high school. I rarely cared about which team won. I just loved smashing into other guys, going all out and leaving it all on the field.  Limping off, aching everywhere, wasn’t something you complained about – it was a badge. As long as you didn’t break anything, the more you hurt, the more you knew you went all out – and you were proud of that.

Just so, I don’t worry about coming out of each interaction with JoAnn unscathed.  I want to give her everything I’ve got without concern for minor aches and bruises. I want to be the knight, fresh from battle, banged up but still whole, gazing into the adoring eyes of my princess who says, “You have fared well, good knight. We are most grateful to you.  Now come inside and we shall feast.”

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Exercise: Loving Communications

Goal

Offering loving written communications, notes, cards, poems and so on to your partner on a weekly, or more frequent, basis.

Instructions

Write a note to your partner.  It may simply be an “I love you” left in your partner’s lunch bag, on your partner’s pillow, in your partner’s car, on your partner’s voicemail, etc.

Recommended Frequency

Once a day for three weeks or at least 21 times within two months.

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Exercise: Feeling Safe, Loved and Cared About

Goal

Communicating what makes you feel safe and what makes you feel loved and cared about, and routinely reviewing your partner’s list. Being responsible for your part in having your partner feel safe, loved and cared about.

Instructions

Each partner makes an initial list of what makes that partner feel safe, loved and cared about.

After each of you have made your lists, share them with each other. Review the lists to make sure you understand what your partner is communicating.

Each week, add at least one item to your list and share the entire list with each other.

Recommended Frequency

Once initially, and then each week for eight weeks, or at least eight updates in three months.

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Exercise: Being Responsible for Getting Acknowledged

Goal

Being responsible for getting yourself acknowledged, despite how awkward it initially feels to do so.

Instructions

Partner 1: Request that your partner acknowledge you for something specific: for example, “I’d like to be acknowledged for getting a raise last month.”

Partner 2: Acknowledge your partner.

Partner 1: Feed back to your partner as to whether you feel acknowledged. If you don’t feel acknowledged, communicate what was missing.

Partner 2: If at first you don’t succeed, continue to acknowledge your partner until you do.

Switch roles and repeat.

Recommended Frequency

Once a week for nine weeks, or at least nine times in three months.

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Exercise: Making Declarations

Goal

Making declarations to create a future for your relationship.

Instructions

Every other week, switch off which partner does this. Make a declaration to your partner – anything from “I love you” to some future state in which you can envision your relationship (for example, “In one year we’re going to be the most loving, passionate couple we know”).  It’s now your responsibility to live into this declaration and bring it into existence.

Recommended Frequency

Once a month for six months, a total of three times each.

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Exercise: Making and Keeping Promises

Goal

Making and keeping promises to your partner.  Holding your partner accountable for  his promises.

Instructions

Partner 1: Make a promise to your partner, if you have not already done so in the previous exercise, Making and Accepting Requests.  Make sure it meets each of the four criteria as stated in the Promises section of Chapter 11: Tools for Effective Communication.

Partner 2: If you feel you can count on your partner to keep his promise, accept it and lovingly hold your partner to account. If not, work with your partner to revise her promise to something for which you’re willing to be accountable.

Switch roles and repeat.

Recommended Frequency

Once a week for nine weeks, or at least nine times in three months.

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Exercise: Making and Accepting Requests

Goal

Making requests of your partner and being open to your partner’s requests. Making counteroffers to requests that you do not wish to accept.

Instructions

Partner 1: Make a request of your partner.

Partner 2: Accept, reject or counteroffer the request.

Switch roles and repeat.

Recommended Frequency

Once a week for nine weeks, or at least nine times in three months.

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Exercise: Delivering Withheld Communications

Goal

Identifying what wants to be communicated that you are withholding from your partner, and then communicating responsibly and powerfully.

Instructions

Partner 1: Communicate something you are withholding from your partner.

Partner 2: Really hear your partner and validate your partner’s experience.

Switch roles and repeat.

Recommended Frequency

Once a week for nine weeks, or at least nine times in three months.

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Exercise: Delivering Complaints

Goal

Delivering complaints about your partner in a manner that is nurturing of your partner’s ego, loving, responsible and effective.

Instructions

Partner 1: Practice delivering a complaint to your partner following the recipe for complaining in the section Complaining Responsibly of Chapter 11: Tools for Effective Communication.  Start with something relatively small, and over the nine weeks work your way up to the bigger complaints after you’ve had success with smaller ones.

Partner 2: Provide feedback to your partner.  Did your partner use “I messages,” if appropriate? Did your partner make the communication easy for you to hear? Did your partner come from a loving place in delivering the communication?

Repeat the process with the same complaint until Partner 1 can deliver the complaint in a way that is effective and loving for Partner 2.

Switch roles; have Partner 2 communicate a complaint and Partner 1 provide feedback.

Recommended Frequency

Once a week for nine weeks, or at least nine times in three months.

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